An Empty Canvas

I'd like to start by writing about myself, writing about the things I think to say but never have, writing to validate the thoughts that make me who I am. I'd like to write about the choices I never made, better yet those I made in the self-deception of the rational being I occasional identify as. And the choices I couldn't make because I'm a procrastinating perfectionist, I'm a contradiction, a paradox if you will, but isn't that what makes life, life?

I'd like to write about how deeply I feel about completely abstract phenomena, how I've been called out on my 'nerdiness' if that's an actual word, and my interest in everything but my academic undertakings. I've been misunderstood, understood, miseducated, and occasionally had to re-educate myself on the things that make me, me!

I've loved deeply, sometimes to my detriment, and experienced things so deep my diction can't begin to fathom, I'm real or at least I think and the facade that is my life has occasionally got me feeling like a fraud when I had to change my self-narrative depending on which room I walked into, I've lost myself and found myself at the twelfth-hour drowning in a puddle of tears and occasionally found myself on my knees asking God what life is really about while reading between Bible lines for narratives to validate my incoherent existence.
 
I've had to hide the fact that I'm not as self-driven as I seem and had to catch myself invariably regurgitating some borrowed sophisticated idea for the need to come off wiser, as much as I hate to admit, I am a validation junkie.

I've made bad decisions more than I've made friends and hurt the people I love more than I'd like to admit, I did meet a few good folks along the way, the ride or die type who have made my memories worthwhile (kudos to these chaps).

I've learned to write about how I feel, and be honest about these things. I've had to listen to constructive feedback that hurt more than it helped and listened to people that helped (thanks a bunch guys). Writing to me is a form of catharsis, a form of therapy to just another menial earthling in our breathtakingly colossal milky way galaxy.